I can tell you from experience that being "created" (we like to say this) on the twenty fifth of December is brilliant. It brings with it a whole host of perks that you lot just don't get, and never will get. It's like being able to access every single business-class lounge on the whole planet, just to drink them dry. At the same time. It is BRILLIANT.
Here are 10 reasons why it is brilliant:
1. You get a Christmas card AND a birthday card rolled into one amazing Birthmas card
2. You get the choice between two medium-sized gifts OR one fuck-off MASSIVE gift
3. If you do not want to celebrate your birthday during the wanky holiday season, you can choose another day during the year. Whenever you want. And then you celebrate in December anyway! You can have not one but TWO parties
4. Everyone feels sorry for you, but you can just nod and agree, safe in the knowledge that you are much, much better than them in most ways. Unless they are actually Jesus
5. You can say you are the reincarnation of Jesus and people have no choice but to completely believe you
6. The whole world celebrates your birthday with you, whether they like you or not
7. Your friends are forced to abandon their families and log on to Facebook in order to wish you a happy birthday
8. You can drive anywhere you like on your birthday and never get stuck in a traffic jam
9. You always get the day off work, as long as you are not a fireman, doctor, nurse, policeman, army commander, dog walker, bee keeper, the Queen, a drunk or anyone with a respectable, upstanding career
10. You not only share your birthday with JC, oh no. You share it with the biggest pimp of them all, Conrad Hilton, founder of Hilton hotels. He's the great-grandfather of Nicky and Paris Hilton. Now how awesome is that?
One of these three dogs might be me one day
Another thing about Conrad Hilton. He was declared dead in 1979. Now, I was not going to tell you but I was created in the year of 1979, the very year the One Child Policy was introduced in China. This is very significant because it probably means I am a mixture of Conrad Hilton, Jesus and over 400 million Chinese babies. I know what you are thinking! Fucking awesome.
Happy Birthmas to you twenty fifth of December-ers.
P.S. I've posted this blog early because, let's face it, I'm probably not going to write again for another 8 months.